Dear John Doe

    Dear John Doe, I cannot tell you how many times I've written this out in my head, how many times, I've wanted to tell you since we've started texting, or how many times these emotions just came flooding back in general. We started talking again like it was nothing, and I bet you never even considered what a blow it was to me, the way we were terribly close and then you were gone, and I had no idea how to get by without the guy I once considered my best friend.

(not my photo!!!!)

    Dear John Doe, while yes, you have a name, I don't feel like using it. Though I hope you'll see this. I hope you'll know it's about you. I haven't decided if I'll hold back much of anything, just your name or maybe more. If you're reading this already, like you're hovering over my shoulder, I have to wonder if you're cringing, knowing exactly what's on my mind and the story that goes with what comes after. You know, or maybe you don't. Maybe you've completely blocked them out of your head, those forty-eight hours of dread. Those forty-eight hours I stayed awake, crying and consoling, you and your mother. Maybe that's what I'll leave alone, but you know it's there, and we were teenagers, of course we move on, but of course, all things impact us. 

    Dear John Doe, you were my brother's friend first, and we were silly, dating around at fifteen, hardly being able to kiss one another, and then you were into that guy. Do you remember him? I do, I adored him and I adored you two together, you broke his heart, I felt his tears and then again, you disappeared from my life, and I never heard from the other again. 

    Dear John Doe, to be honest, I actually can't remember the intervals of time you would be in my life then stop talking to me. I do that now. I'll talk to someone for awhile then just drop off the radar and leave them. I wonder if some broken part of me picked that up from you? Damaged, not broken. Though, maybe you lit the fuse but all the bullshit after the match was struck exploded into everything else. 

    Dear John Doe, I actually started writing this months ago, when, again, we first started talking, now on the eve that we're suppose to meet up, I find myself worried. We still haven't acknowledged jack-shit, and I'll take fault for that at this point too, but you still think we're going to be buddy buddy and talk like we've always have.

    Don't you remember what you said to me in those final words when you writing me out? That you felt uncomfortable and had always just told me what I wanted to hear? Don't you know that things I told you, between what I might have thought of as psychic abilities and seeing ghosts were from my heart and soul, that you were the only person I could talk to about them and I had thought we were sharing in something?

     I let a lot go after that. I forgot what it was like to tap into a different side of me, and I don't feel like I used to, I can't hear the other voices anymore and when I started reading Tarot cards, and a friend told me I needed to connect with my Guides, Spirits and Ancestors, it nearly broke me. Even now, I feel useless when I try to talk to them, and I'm pretty sure they're still harboring some sort of grudge against me. 

    Again, this is that lit fuse, but I don't blame you. I can only blame myself.

    So here I sit, on the eve of our finally getting together, meeting for the first time in what will nearly be a decade and I brood and worry, and rush to get out everything it is that I feel. I wouldn't be much of a writer if I didn't do such a thing.

    So here's to tomorrow. To hoping it's not as awkward or menacing as I think, and that maybe we'll find some closure, because you cannot tell me you don't need it too. 

Tarot Aftermath

 Within the last two weeks I've come to realize a few things. One, that paying for school out of pocket, even for one, online class, it's expensive for someone who makes less than twenty-thousand dollars a year, especially when your out put is more than your input as far as checks and bills are concerned. Two, that I really enjoy reading Tarot cards. Not just for myself, but for others, and I've now had the privilege of putting this to the test a few times. In person and online. 

    

    Prior to Sunday I had announced for a few days over my Instagram that I would be giving away free Tarot readings. While I don't have a large following (which in this case was probably a good thing), I did get to read for a few people online, and Sunday was the day I sat down to pull cards, and jot down notes (in my lovely Snow White notebook while listening to classical music like Chopin). 

    Here's the thing about Tarot, and, at least for me, writing in general, it's Exhausting! It really does take a lot of mental focus and I prefer writing everything by hand. Yes, keyboards are nice, but the internet is distracting whether you can put a time limit on a block for it or not. I find that I switch through songs a lot less on my phone using iHeart Radio than I would if I had YouTube up on my computer. Plus, classical music songs, some anyways, have a tendency to be a lot longer than a three-and-a-half minute hit. 

    The exhausting bit isn't just mental though, it's something more. Tarot cards involve interpretation and intuition to unlock and understand, but when I got caught up writing a piece for my story at work the other day, I realized that investing yourself into characters, unlocking their  minds and dipping into how they think takes quite a bit of mental work too. 

    I was actually impressed when my characters popped into my head Thursday night, and I had to focus between running my machine at work and getting everything down between a woman called Dirk, a man she calls Quinn and the doom that is the AI they're trying to take down, but that's a matter for another time.

     Everything change for me in that span of time, with her thoughts and his reactions and what such imminent doom might spell for them in what could be their last moments. Perhaps I wasn't so much impressed with myself as I was with the resulting feelings after. I was tired and empty. Drained might be a more appropriate term. 

    When I had sat down to do the Tarot pulls, I was ready to do them all, write them down, type them up, except, I forgot that there is a strain on the mind, and that after I took care of the first one, I had to slow down a bit, writing them out turned into jotting notes and to give each person their reading to the best of my abilities, I had to type them up over the span of a few days. By no means am I sorry about this. There is a trust being built with a client and their reader and the last thing I want to do is rush that and do a piss-poor job, especially if I plan on offering readings as a service, and as a way to help pay for school.

    Paying for school, this is a ball game I lost miserably the first time a few years ago, and I'm trying to do things a little differently, okay, a lot differently this time around. 

    Without going into to many useless details, things turned out to be much more expensive than originally known, where what I thought was going to be the price of three classes, turned out to be the price of once class. So, it's a bit of a set back as I'm only taking one class now, and I was initially upset, it showed me that I need to do more in other ways to get where I need to be, and the one thing that I really have at my disposal right now is Tarot cards.

    I have learned a lot this week reading for people, and I know I still have a lot to learn, but there is a point where reading isn't enough and you have to learn by doing. In this process I do hope to be able to open an online store, perhaps Etsy, to offer a few readings at affordable prices. If it comes to the point where this happens to be successful (one reading will count as a success I think) I plan on using every penny to help pay for future classes. That's not to say I'm not pinching pennies elsewhere, but again, every little thing helps and I cannot rely on anyone without helping myself first.

    This is one of those huge-small victories for me! I'm tired of hanging on the past and I don't think I've ever wanted to move and keep pushing forward as much as I do now. Anything and everything I do anymore, no matter how small, is in the hopes that I attain my goals. Goals such as furthering my writing career, one day being able to travel and hopefully not be stuck in such a bottomless pit. 

A Small but Grand Victory

Who would have thought something would finally work out for me? It's a small victory, but a victory nonetheless, and I am beyond excited!

     On a whim, a sponsored post on my Instagram appeared and it was for online, creative writing classes. I clicked the link, added my email address for more information, and the next morning, I'm having this brilliant conversation with a woman named Jamie and she's helping me enroll! Now, I still have to wait for an official acceptance letter, but with all the bullshit I've been dealing with because of the debt I've racked up due to trying to attend a forty-thousand dollar school that didn't want want to help me carry over a semester... I try to take full responsibility for this, for any screw up in my life really, but it's hard when I couldn't even get people to talk to me in person. So, I'll leave it at that. The point of this post, small as it may be, is to be celebratory. 

     Anyways, Jamie helped me go around one thing or another and waive whatever so-called transcript I have so I can pay out of pocket. While a few classes isn't going to break the bank, it's still going to be tight to afford, but I have every intention of pulling it off and I'll be damned if I blow this shot.

   Now, to mention the fact that over the weekend, a lovely friend of mine, who I've mentioned before, reads tarot and completed a Grand Tableu Lenormand tarot spread for me, and one of the main points to carrying forward was to do something with my writing, perhaps even take a class? Now I might be going back to school, online or not, it's a starting point that could end up being a bachelor's degree in English and creative writing.

    I wish I could convey how ecstatic I really am, something equivalent to those Budweiser party commercials you see on television all the time, silly, I know, and I'm not much of a drinker, but it's the partying point that matters. I'm twenty-five, the last thing I want to be doing is going to school when or after I'm thirty, I would really like my life together sooner rather than later, and hoping, with my entire being, that these online classes are finally a much needed step forward in the right direction. 

When in Doubt, Write up Your Tarot Pulls

   Why the hell not? How else do I expect to have some sort of keep-up, or any sort of regularity to my writing and maintaining a blog? Plus, I'm still hoping to do more with Tarot, and lately, I am really enjoying combining it with my book posts as far as Instagram is concerned. So, while I didn't pull cards for every day, I did pull a few and I do think they are worthwhile, and yes, definitely worth mentioning and reflecting on.

    

     I know they're not the easiest to see in the photo, but that's the whole point to explaining them I suppose. The cards I've pulled are from the Fountain Tarot, and this deck is absolutely stunning (I'm sure Iv'e said it before), and while I have a few tarot decks at this point, this is only the second one I've really connected with. 

    That being said... 

    Ace of Cups (the top card). The Ace of Cups is about an emotional connection or the beginning of something beautiful. It can be spiritual or earthly, ranging from connecting with the Divine and or our spirit guides, to connecting to a person in our day to day life. Perhaps even ourselves. There is an opportunity for growth here, and it's important to trust in ourselves, trust our intuition. 

    The Ace of Cups is also a 'fleeting gift' and talks about us taking the opportunity as it is presented, since it doesn't stick around long... You can say that one definitely stumps me. I guess some things are a lot more obvious than others and in this case, it's one of those where I probably have to dig a little deeper to find, and yes, face it. 

    I say I have to face it because nothing has been easy lately, and as I know I've said before, I'm well into my little dark hole of despair again and I have no idea how to pull myself out. Though it is something I am going to keep focusing on, climbing out of that hole is more than just a goal at this point.            

    

    The Hermit (the middle card), is all about quiet observation and solitude. It's about a  willingness to let go of fixed ideas to find peace; To focus, to illuminate, and use our silence to find understanding and (maybe) peace.

    The Hermit is a card I cannot help but Identify with. Always feeling alone and like an outcast, I automatically distance myself. While I know that's not what the Hermit is about, it eventually leads me down a similar path, to look inwardly, to let go of what I know and see if I can't find a better way. There has been much of that again this week, lots of thinking, lots of hiding myself away someplace quiet. Sometimes, it's just to bury myself away in whatever book I'm reading, and sometimes, and it's the whole reason I'm writing this now, it is so I can pull out my cards, and question everything. literally. Life.

    King of Swords (the bottom card). "The king has reached the height of his professional life. A powerful person of esteem, he has honed his ability to control his mind, and holds all people to the highest of ideals. His brilliant intellect generates endless energy. Considered cold by his closest relations, he's fair and can foresee well into the future as his knowledge grants him. Wisdom that is both fair and perceptive. Harsh. Sound truth// advice. One who has earned authority."

                                                                                                                    -The Fountain Tarot

     As of now, I cannot say why the King of Swords has graced me with his presence. When it comes to the Kings of Tarot, I do not often find them in my company... So for one, he's here for a reason. Though, I cannot help but think he is telling me at the same time that I am being too hard on myself. However, the little bit I do know about the king, he's a judge, though nothing like the kind we see in our day and age... He plays fair, however there still has to be something else on the scales I'm in need of balancing out. 

    These may be card pulls from the other day, but just hours ago I received a Grand Tableau Lenormand reading from a friend that definitely sheds more light on what I'm in need of balancing out. This post is long enough already without me adding that much more about it,  You can find her blog over at http://thebookishfox.blogspot.com.au and her etsy shop where she provides all sorts of Tarot readings from there as well. 

     Thursday night, I pulled the Knight of Wands. While I don't see the Kings often, I'm quite certain I have some sort of love affair going on with the knights. That, however, is a story for another time.

    The Knight of Wands is considered a restless spirit, and if that doesn't sound like a true Sagittarian to me, I don't know what does. Yes, that just so happens to be what I am  as well, except, I'm restless and completely and utterly stuck.

     The knight is moved by passion. He's young and determined and seeks the truth inside of him. Being young doesn't stop him, and I wish the tarot was based on real life with things like bills and debt, and how old was he when he finally got to follow his heart and discover himself? As he is now, he represents a change, and or a journey and I only laugh as I make eight-hundred promises that he has nothing to do with me, but then again, one of my spirit guides is male, so, can this be him?

     Friday's pulls and here we have the Ace of Cups again, which, I suppose make more sense today then it would have the other day, or I completely missed the message, which, in my case, is highly likely. However, after speaking with Jo the night before, and some further research, I've come to the conclusion to stay away from all things Aleister Crowley.

     Let me back up a bit. 

     All week I've had it in my head that I wanted to pick up the Thoth tarot deck, which yes, was written by Crowley and designed by Lady Frieda Harris. While the idea of the deck sounds intriguing and I love ancient civilizations and sketchy cults being depicted in things, Crowley gives me the creeps. The breathing down your neck kind of creeps, not the he might be a few screws loose kind. Those creeps, and plenty of others, I can handle. 

     I don't know how often my guides are out there, the divine, or whoever and whatever else have sought to keep a metaphorical eye on me, but I know I have to trust my gut, and whatever opportune moment the Ace of Cups feels like heralding me towards, it is not this deck. 

     I was looking at Thoth as my next big pick up too. As much as I love my Fountain Tarot deck, and my Steampunk deck (both are the decks I mentioned being the only two I've connected with), I feel like there's something missing.

     I haven't been able to connect with a few of my decks lately, mostly oracle at this point, and even though they were hand created by some very talented individuals, I can't help all the negativity that surrounds these cards, and perhaps it has come from myself, from being wronged and hurt, even if it seems childish it's there and I'm not quite sure how to move past it, or clear the energies. It's why I pulled out my Enchanted Map Oracle Friday, along with my Tarot in the last photo... It's sort of a small hope towards /something/ as well as trying to find a fit between the Fountain and whatever else that's going on.

      I suppose this is where I ask for Tarot and Oracle card recommendations! 

    Anyways, the Movement card, is not just a thing to do, but also a state of mind, one I'm in desperate need of. Though again, the Knight and his adventurous self comes into play again, and perhaps the Ace of Cups, fleeting moments be damned, whatever it is, it has yet to arrive, and maybe this is here, this blog, tarot, writiing in general, this is how I prepare. 

The Middle and the Poor Class

    While it may sound like the title to some heated debate, I promise I'm not going there. It is more like I'm trying to figure it out for myself, or I'm just mad because I work a dead-end job, have skills that won't be of use anywhere else, and would much rather be writing from home, or at least doing something a little less tedious and a lot more soul-moving if that makes any sense.

    I'm sure the last thing anyone wants to hear is someone who can't get anywhere complain, which yes, is sort of what I'm doing, but I'm trying to fix it too. I have no problem owning up to my own mistakes, my own faults, and while it isn't the easiest trying to do something about it, I'm not completely discouraged.

    It was a post on Twitter that has me writing this, even if it is later useless. It was a post for a job to write for an online community with things that deal with pop culture. Some of the requirements that it wanted were already have a large follower base across multiple social media platforms, and the time to write three to five articles a week. Talk about time being a faster killer than usual... The not so funny thing is that I'm writing this as I count down the seconds until i have to get ready and leave for work.

     Please don't get me wrong though, the fact i even have a job means more than anything. I might complain, I  might hate it a lot of the time, but it DOES pay the bills, it lets me purchase things on my own no one in their right mind would buy for me (eighty crystals, and twenty more Funko Pops please), and when I have some extra I can help out other people as well. They say you the more money you have the more greedy you become, at least, that's what it seems like, and sure there are people who donate a good portion of it, but lets me real, how many are doing it for tax write offs? 

    Okay, enough of that, I said I wasn't going to get into it. 

    Anyways, it's just one of those things where I'd like to believe I'd try to do good by others. 

    The whole point to this is that I am only twenty five and I've watched the world change so much. I know the kinds of responses people think towards this... yes, I know I haven't seen war, or fought for the right to vote, or was held against my will because my race is full of assholes... But I've seen gas shoot up so high that minimum wage barely covered it, I learned how to live from paycheck to paycheck because that's what my parents did, what they do. No one knew how to help me get into college because no one had ever been there themselves, and when I finally made it in, I didn't know anyone to have and sort of 'IN' to land myself a job, even when I was promised work-study benefits. Should I have tried harder? Probably. Was I eighteen and clueless. Hell yes.

     Even now, my last few jobs I had were attained with the help of someone I knew that already worked there. Resumes are words on paper, those tests you take after you fill out an application, they are fake, terrible representations of you. I cannot tell you the anxiety I get when I have to take a test, let alone to give someone what they want to hear and have the test come back with something along the lines of 'you should not hire this person, ever. Do not even consider them.' 

    So yes, while I greatly dislike my job, and it pays the bills, it's also the hardest thing to find another, because stress, anxiety, depression, they're killers too, and right now, I just work my ass off in the hopes of raises and being able to afford to go back to school. There's a reason I don't live on my own anymore, perhaps a few of them and I'm sure they're not hard to figure out. I also know I'm not the only one in such a situation, that there are lots of us out there, and plenty of us worse off. I have so much love and respect for those who fight, who keep going; For those who do have it together and are making it, making something of themselves, and while I'm sure I probably don't have much right to write about any of this, I too am going to keep fighting, and firmly believe that none of us are alone, and we all need one another.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

"All That is Gold Does Not Glitter"
J. R. R. Tolkien