The Good, The Bad, The A.I.

  Last night I found myself reading tips and tricks, and everything in between for blogging and networking. If I haven't admitted it yet, note that I'm doing so now; I have no idea what I'm doing with this blog, or quite frankly, most of social media along the internet as it now stands. 

    

    My long term goal(s), if anyone's curious, and I actually said this out loud to my dad today, is that I have some sort of foundation when I hopefully go to publish a novel, or an array of short stories, or anything really. 

    I absolutely love the communities on Instagram and Twitter when it comes to young authors, or small businesses advertising their shops. Maybe that's what I long for too, to be part of something. Which, in reality, it makes prefect sense for someone who doesn't do much but work, eat and sleep. Yes, I'm boring, and I'm working to change this. However, I do like my independence and solitude.

    None of that is really the point, the point is, when you find things that tell you to post often, to find things that intrigue you, that speak to you, you write about that!

     My Tarot post, while, they are very much for me, since they're explaining my cards, I have to assume not many are really going to care for that. Perhaps, if they know me personally, or we have a good relationship between screens and across the internet, but someone dropping by is probably just scanning it and moving on.

    That being said, I would love to interact and talk with more people!

    Anyways, I'm hoping this is the beginning of a new series of posts. I still plan on posting my Tarot things, I like writing for it, but I would like to try my hand at book reviews too, and hopefully, my finding, and or thoughts as I delve into the realm of Artificial Intelligence. 

    I'm completely serious about this writing thing, about one day publishing a book, and after an intense dream about a month or so ago, AI has been on the forefront of my mind and will be playing a large role in what I'm writing at the moment, and as long as I keep whatever momentum I have going, then I have to believe that it's bound to go somewhere. I don't want to give much away yet, but it's safe to assume that Artificial Intelligence isn't going to be playing a pretty role.

    So yes, it's short, and it hops around, but here's to goals, and new experiences, or rather, new versions of the same.

A Small but Grand Victory

Who would have thought something would finally work out for me? It's a small victory, but a victory nonetheless, and I am beyond excited!

     On a whim, a sponsored post on my Instagram appeared and it was for online, creative writing classes. I clicked the link, added my email address for more information, and the next morning, I'm having this brilliant conversation with a woman named Jamie and she's helping me enroll! Now, I still have to wait for an official acceptance letter, but with all the bullshit I've been dealing with because of the debt I've racked up due to trying to attend a forty-thousand dollar school that didn't want want to help me carry over a semester... I try to take full responsibility for this, for any screw up in my life really, but it's hard when I couldn't even get people to talk to me in person. So, I'll leave it at that. The point of this post, small as it may be, is to be celebratory. 

     Anyways, Jamie helped me go around one thing or another and waive whatever so-called transcript I have so I can pay out of pocket. While a few classes isn't going to break the bank, it's still going to be tight to afford, but I have every intention of pulling it off and I'll be damned if I blow this shot.

   Now, to mention the fact that over the weekend, a lovely friend of mine, who I've mentioned before, reads tarot and completed a Grand Tableu Lenormand tarot spread for me, and one of the main points to carrying forward was to do something with my writing, perhaps even take a class? Now I might be going back to school, online or not, it's a starting point that could end up being a bachelor's degree in English and creative writing.

    I wish I could convey how ecstatic I really am, something equivalent to those Budweiser party commercials you see on television all the time, silly, I know, and I'm not much of a drinker, but it's the partying point that matters. I'm twenty-five, the last thing I want to be doing is going to school when or after I'm thirty, I would really like my life together sooner rather than later, and hoping, with my entire being, that these online classes are finally a much needed step forward in the right direction. 

When in Doubt, Write up Your Tarot Pulls

   Why the hell not? How else do I expect to have some sort of keep-up, or any sort of regularity to my writing and maintaining a blog? Plus, I'm still hoping to do more with Tarot, and lately, I am really enjoying combining it with my book posts as far as Instagram is concerned. So, while I didn't pull cards for every day, I did pull a few and I do think they are worthwhile, and yes, definitely worth mentioning and reflecting on.

    

     I know they're not the easiest to see in the photo, but that's the whole point to explaining them I suppose. The cards I've pulled are from the Fountain Tarot, and this deck is absolutely stunning (I'm sure Iv'e said it before), and while I have a few tarot decks at this point, this is only the second one I've really connected with. 

    That being said... 

    Ace of Cups (the top card). The Ace of Cups is about an emotional connection or the beginning of something beautiful. It can be spiritual or earthly, ranging from connecting with the Divine and or our spirit guides, to connecting to a person in our day to day life. Perhaps even ourselves. There is an opportunity for growth here, and it's important to trust in ourselves, trust our intuition. 

    The Ace of Cups is also a 'fleeting gift' and talks about us taking the opportunity as it is presented, since it doesn't stick around long... You can say that one definitely stumps me. I guess some things are a lot more obvious than others and in this case, it's one of those where I probably have to dig a little deeper to find, and yes, face it. 

    I say I have to face it because nothing has been easy lately, and as I know I've said before, I'm well into my little dark hole of despair again and I have no idea how to pull myself out. Though it is something I am going to keep focusing on, climbing out of that hole is more than just a goal at this point.            

    

    The Hermit (the middle card), is all about quiet observation and solitude. It's about a  willingness to let go of fixed ideas to find peace; To focus, to illuminate, and use our silence to find understanding and (maybe) peace.

    The Hermit is a card I cannot help but Identify with. Always feeling alone and like an outcast, I automatically distance myself. While I know that's not what the Hermit is about, it eventually leads me down a similar path, to look inwardly, to let go of what I know and see if I can't find a better way. There has been much of that again this week, lots of thinking, lots of hiding myself away someplace quiet. Sometimes, it's just to bury myself away in whatever book I'm reading, and sometimes, and it's the whole reason I'm writing this now, it is so I can pull out my cards, and question everything. literally. Life.

    King of Swords (the bottom card). "The king has reached the height of his professional life. A powerful person of esteem, he has honed his ability to control his mind, and holds all people to the highest of ideals. His brilliant intellect generates endless energy. Considered cold by his closest relations, he's fair and can foresee well into the future as his knowledge grants him. Wisdom that is both fair and perceptive. Harsh. Sound truth// advice. One who has earned authority."

                                                                                                                    -The Fountain Tarot

     As of now, I cannot say why the King of Swords has graced me with his presence. When it comes to the Kings of Tarot, I do not often find them in my company... So for one, he's here for a reason. Though, I cannot help but think he is telling me at the same time that I am being too hard on myself. However, the little bit I do know about the king, he's a judge, though nothing like the kind we see in our day and age... He plays fair, however there still has to be something else on the scales I'm in need of balancing out. 

    These may be card pulls from the other day, but just hours ago I received a Grand Tableau Lenormand reading from a friend that definitely sheds more light on what I'm in need of balancing out. This post is long enough already without me adding that much more about it,  You can find her blog over at http://thebookishfox.blogspot.com.au and her etsy shop where she provides all sorts of Tarot readings from there as well. 

     Thursday night, I pulled the Knight of Wands. While I don't see the Kings often, I'm quite certain I have some sort of love affair going on with the knights. That, however, is a story for another time.

    The Knight of Wands is considered a restless spirit, and if that doesn't sound like a true Sagittarian to me, I don't know what does. Yes, that just so happens to be what I am  as well, except, I'm restless and completely and utterly stuck.

     The knight is moved by passion. He's young and determined and seeks the truth inside of him. Being young doesn't stop him, and I wish the tarot was based on real life with things like bills and debt, and how old was he when he finally got to follow his heart and discover himself? As he is now, he represents a change, and or a journey and I only laugh as I make eight-hundred promises that he has nothing to do with me, but then again, one of my spirit guides is male, so, can this be him?

     Friday's pulls and here we have the Ace of Cups again, which, I suppose make more sense today then it would have the other day, or I completely missed the message, which, in my case, is highly likely. However, after speaking with Jo the night before, and some further research, I've come to the conclusion to stay away from all things Aleister Crowley.

     Let me back up a bit. 

     All week I've had it in my head that I wanted to pick up the Thoth tarot deck, which yes, was written by Crowley and designed by Lady Frieda Harris. While the idea of the deck sounds intriguing and I love ancient civilizations and sketchy cults being depicted in things, Crowley gives me the creeps. The breathing down your neck kind of creeps, not the he might be a few screws loose kind. Those creeps, and plenty of others, I can handle. 

     I don't know how often my guides are out there, the divine, or whoever and whatever else have sought to keep a metaphorical eye on me, but I know I have to trust my gut, and whatever opportune moment the Ace of Cups feels like heralding me towards, it is not this deck. 

     I was looking at Thoth as my next big pick up too. As much as I love my Fountain Tarot deck, and my Steampunk deck (both are the decks I mentioned being the only two I've connected with), I feel like there's something missing.

     I haven't been able to connect with a few of my decks lately, mostly oracle at this point, and even though they were hand created by some very talented individuals, I can't help all the negativity that surrounds these cards, and perhaps it has come from myself, from being wronged and hurt, even if it seems childish it's there and I'm not quite sure how to move past it, or clear the energies. It's why I pulled out my Enchanted Map Oracle Friday, along with my Tarot in the last photo... It's sort of a small hope towards /something/ as well as trying to find a fit between the Fountain and whatever else that's going on.

      I suppose this is where I ask for Tarot and Oracle card recommendations! 

    Anyways, the Movement card, is not just a thing to do, but also a state of mind, one I'm in desperate need of. Though again, the Knight and his adventurous self comes into play again, and perhaps the Ace of Cups, fleeting moments be damned, whatever it is, it has yet to arrive, and maybe this is here, this blog, tarot, writiing in general, this is how I prepare. 

Bold Curiosity

  Or, a Shattered Heart? Those were the two ideas (if you want to call them them that) that I had for a title, and in this occasion, my latest blog post.

    I don't know what it is, or why, that I tend to throw myself into something so heavily, just to abruptly stop. This goes not just for my Tarot cards, but for writing and painting as well.

     Painting never really was my thing I suppose, however, it had come to me at an interesting, but not very much so, point where I would spend hours screwing around with it, and now my room is littered with paint brushes and solo cups, and they too are something I haven't touched in months. Writing, perhaps, I haven't gone that long without doing, sometimes I wake up and I have to get out a dream, or I'll be in the shower and have this crazy thought... Reading tarot cards though, I date everything, at least I try to and I'm pretty sure nothing happened since the beginning of February, thus, the reason I'm writing this post now.

     I'd gotten to the point where I didn't even want to be a witch anymore and was debating selling off things like my crystals and cards (I'm sure the extra money would have helped out somewhere). At the same time though, I knew it belonged. I knew it would feel empty and as much as I'm not some sort of witch, I am.

     When I was a kid I always thought I'd be some sort of secret Necromancer, protecting the dead, and helping others cross over. I don't think being a witch is so far off.

     A shattered heart, the three of swords, a card that seems to scare the hell out of people whenever they pull it... I pulled it and it didn't even register it was that card until I looked it up, and while it is very much appropriate in the set of cards I pulled, I believe it is referring to the triggering events that have led up until now. To the point that I need my cards and their guidance, that I need to write, and unleash bits of my soul (what I believe remains of it) once more.

     While it's not the prettiest picture, it's my first pull in awhile. Pulled Monday night after debating it at work, after debating if I should start writing my blog again, so here we are, cards and writing and a new post for the blog.

     These last few months have been hard, and while it's still early in the year, things are moving quickly, even if my battle with depression doesn't want it to be so. Things have been rocky at home, work is rough and the scares dad has given alone have been enough to make me go crazy. One would think I'd have all kinds of reasons to write then, but picking up a pen and putting it to paper apparently requires quite a bit of motivation as well.

     Between the Six of Coins and The Devil, I cannot help but think, for now, that I can keep the darkness at bay. Well, the darkness that keeps me down, not the kind I look too (yes I believe there are different versions of 'the darkness'). Darkness that I embrace. People see themselves as light workers, but again, referring back to that bit about being a necromancer, I think some of us thrive better from said darkness. 

    Sometimes I think the monsters under my bed would make better friends anyways.

    I'm not really sure how to wrap all this up with a nice bow, I don't think it really needs to be. Yes, it's a bit of a mess, and yes, I'm quite scatterbrained but I have to start, well restart somewhere, and eventually, perhaps, pieces will start falling back nicely into place, and if they don't, they don't. At some point I do have to stop trying to impress everyone, and it will not be the first or the last time I've been described as an organized mess. One can always keep up with all the latest tarot readings via my Instagram.

Get Lost With Me

  

     I feel like I'm way behind with everything, but I also feel like I've been up to a lot, and some how I'm still accomplishing something.

     Here's what I mean, the beginning of the year (was supposed to have) started with writing poems, tarot, and writing for this blog in general. Shortly there after, I picked up a book, because literally every writer/author says you have to read A LOT to write, and I'm beginning to see the truth to that, while reading tarot cards stopped being for 'me' and became plot ideas, story lines and character backgrounds for something else, a lot of somethings in fact. Guess this is where I point out it's hard for me to stick to one thing. Anyways, not that it sounds like much, I've got a little bit of everything going on, mostly centered around writing, and am close to finishing my third book (which is a lot for me). 

    I guess that's what I've really been focusing on, reading and writing. I can't remember wanting something as badly as I want to be an actual writer. How badly I want to make it a part of my life, to be my life. I'm over wondering if it sounds silly or not. I may not know much about my family history, which I was discussing with a sweet Druid previously, but I know my writing comes from my dad's own passion and I need mine to go somewhere. For the both of us. 

    The current book I'm reading is called "Thunder and Lightning" by Natalie Goldberg. It came highly recommended, and though I'm a few pages from the end, I cannot describe how completely inspiring it has become. I started it with the attitude that she has no idea how hard it is. How hard it is to live in the middle class, to not make enough to even be considered so - to live in poverty, to have the government screw you left and right and every time you think you're getting somewhere, you're kicked right back into a never ending abyss of darkness. It is thanks to my dad though that I can accept all my own faults as my own and that I am the only one that can change them. While I'm completely aware that most companies, schools and hospitals and the lot are out for money and really provide no well being for anyone, I know there are still good people too. People who work hard and love and give a damn about what they do.

    Natalie is one of those people, the ones that really care about what they do, going out and seeking answers, inspiration, the reasons to why and how and connecting with the students she teaches. This was, is, such an uplifting switch from Chuck Palahniuk's book "Diary" about an artist who wanted love and happiness and was doomed to the life of an artistic genius and a terrible cult-like lifestyle. I think I was so out of sorts when I finished the book because I was so attached to the main character, Misty. I saw myself in her, and I broke over and over for her. 

“your handwriting. the way you walk. which china pattern you choose. it's all giving you away. everything you do shows your hand. everything is a self portrait. everything is a diary.” 

-Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

    
     There's a point to that quote, but I'm not going into it, and I have no intentions of forgetting it any time soon.

     A few of the books and comics I manage to have read lately (before the new year) have left me angry, but I guess I cannot always have some happy ending. 

    I don't know if I expect anything out of writing... Natalie starts "Thunder and Lighting" with a warning. The first sentence reads,

                                                           "I have not seen writing lead to happiness in my friend's lives."

    

    She goes on to talk about her life writing, her practice with Zazen... how she spent weeks with his master before she realized she was depressed. Then, she goes on and talks about a friend that she did all sorts of things with to cheer up and it was writing practice that got her back into the groove. I guess what I've taken from this, is that while it's hard to write, to structure a novel and put your heart and soul out there on the marketplace for the literal world (to consume should they want too) is that writing is some sort of beast within us. It tells us when it wants to be let out, either with a loud roar or a hungry growl of some unfulfilled desire, some guttural cry spewing words over pages that may not make sense until later. Eventually, every beast is sated for awhile, full... accomplished. Then we're left with a longing for that high, that wild side again.

    I might not be some artistic genius, and I might not be great at writing, but be damned if I don't try and sit down and get something out every day, if I'm not sneaking scraps of paper used as test tickets for my machine at work because I've got what I think is some amazing idea, or sentence to start something with. I'm constantly looking for inspiration, like that blizzard we had here the other day that once I started writing what I was seeing, I was connecting it to things from when I was younger and growing up. There's that old friend that's suddenly back in my life and a mess of history that has me out of sorts, or the lovely Druid I mentioned before who writes poetry like I've never read before - I like poetry a lot but it's hard for me to feel truly moved by it unless it happens to be something by Edgar Allen Poe.

    I fully believe that one day I will hit my stride, and that everything in the meantime are notes and practice and little diary entries and scribbles on the portrait that is my life. I fully believe that tarot and witchcraft, and reading, and taking in all the small things have really helped me grow in the last year, and with hoping I'm going back to school in the next few months, I can only think it's all uphill from here. 

The Middle and the Poor Class

    While it may sound like the title to some heated debate, I promise I'm not going there. It is more like I'm trying to figure it out for myself, or I'm just mad because I work a dead-end job, have skills that won't be of use anywhere else, and would much rather be writing from home, or at least doing something a little less tedious and a lot more soul-moving if that makes any sense.

    I'm sure the last thing anyone wants to hear is someone who can't get anywhere complain, which yes, is sort of what I'm doing, but I'm trying to fix it too. I have no problem owning up to my own mistakes, my own faults, and while it isn't the easiest trying to do something about it, I'm not completely discouraged.

    It was a post on Twitter that has me writing this, even if it is later useless. It was a post for a job to write for an online community with things that deal with pop culture. Some of the requirements that it wanted were already have a large follower base across multiple social media platforms, and the time to write three to five articles a week. Talk about time being a faster killer than usual... The not so funny thing is that I'm writing this as I count down the seconds until i have to get ready and leave for work.

     Please don't get me wrong though, the fact i even have a job means more than anything. I might complain, I  might hate it a lot of the time, but it DOES pay the bills, it lets me purchase things on my own no one in their right mind would buy for me (eighty crystals, and twenty more Funko Pops please), and when I have some extra I can help out other people as well. They say you the more money you have the more greedy you become, at least, that's what it seems like, and sure there are people who donate a good portion of it, but lets me real, how many are doing it for tax write offs? 

    Okay, enough of that, I said I wasn't going to get into it. 

    Anyways, it's just one of those things where I'd like to believe I'd try to do good by others. 

    The whole point to this is that I am only twenty five and I've watched the world change so much. I know the kinds of responses people think towards this... yes, I know I haven't seen war, or fought for the right to vote, or was held against my will because my race is full of assholes... But I've seen gas shoot up so high that minimum wage barely covered it, I learned how to live from paycheck to paycheck because that's what my parents did, what they do. No one knew how to help me get into college because no one had ever been there themselves, and when I finally made it in, I didn't know anyone to have and sort of 'IN' to land myself a job, even when I was promised work-study benefits. Should I have tried harder? Probably. Was I eighteen and clueless. Hell yes.

     Even now, my last few jobs I had were attained with the help of someone I knew that already worked there. Resumes are words on paper, those tests you take after you fill out an application, they are fake, terrible representations of you. I cannot tell you the anxiety I get when I have to take a test, let alone to give someone what they want to hear and have the test come back with something along the lines of 'you should not hire this person, ever. Do not even consider them.' 

    So yes, while I greatly dislike my job, and it pays the bills, it's also the hardest thing to find another, because stress, anxiety, depression, they're killers too, and right now, I just work my ass off in the hopes of raises and being able to afford to go back to school. There's a reason I don't live on my own anymore, perhaps a few of them and I'm sure they're not hard to figure out. I also know I'm not the only one in such a situation, that there are lots of us out there, and plenty of us worse off. I have so much love and respect for those who fight, who keep going; For those who do have it together and are making it, making something of themselves, and while I'm sure I probably don't have much right to write about any of this, I too am going to keep fighting, and firmly believe that none of us are alone, and we all need one another.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

"All That is Gold Does Not Glitter"
J. R. R. Tolkien

Not in the Cards

    Some days I pull one card from my tarot deck(s), some days I pull multiples just because I feel the tug too, then occasionally I become bold, light incense or candles, throw on some meditative themed music and go to town. On top of everything that has been going on this week (we're only two days in...) and last week, I've done such a thing; I found, and or made the time to sit down with my cards to see if I was ready to, I don't know, walk with my deities. 

    This has been an on going fancy of mine, and I suppose for most practicing witches, we all want to make altars to someone, to represent them, call on them for aid and guidance, in those dark places when we're alone or want that extra kick to our spells. I'm the last person who should be talking about spell work, but I do feel I can talk a little about my journey thus far. Besides, keeping track of the lot of this is really for me anyways (though of course i'm always going to hope it appeals to someone else). 

    So yes, this past week that lead into Monday is where I'm at now, trying to figure out of deities work is right for me, or if I'm even ready for them. Well, leave it the cards to tell you what they think you need to know, not what you want to hear, which I kinda wish was the case this time. While I've gathered it's a, you're not ready yet kind of answer, I know they cannot be far, not with the dream that cause me to pull the cards in the first place. 

    

    The picture above is what my bed wound up looking liked Monday morning, tarot, oracles, incense and crystals abound. It had started out as a three card draw. One from each of the three decks I've been working with lately. Two of them were created by lovely Instagram users mysticmoons_tarot and her lovely moon_phases_oracle along with thymewitch and her tarotinthyme oracle. There's something about the love and energy that goes into these, something so different then picking up a deck in the store, and while I don't want to get too involved at the moment, I've had the privilege of following them and their journeys through creating them and I think that's where a lot of the magic is to begin with. More and more I find myself wanting to create my own. 

    

    It's not the clearest picture as the lighting in my room is terrible, it was still something I needed, to catch the moment and to keep to journal about later, plus, now I get to employ it in this blog. Anyways, the first three cards I pulled were the Seven of Swords, Time and the Storm Moon.  I think me and swords have a love hate relationship, and while I feel like a lot of people might, they pop up a lot for me, and the Five of Swords is pretty much my signifier card.

    This is already getting to be long winded and I don't know if anyone really wants all the meanings of the cards, so here's the gist... The seven is like the anti-hero, where you might be the bad guy, but your reasons, your end game, might be for the greater good. Like stealing bread so you don't starve, so someone else doesn't starve, etc. Time is exactly what it sounds like, do I have the time to invest in my current journey, because if I don't I probably shouldn't start as this period could be exhausting, though if I do, if i continue and fight, the moon will always shine through the storm and I could emerge as something more. 

    Time, with my current moods lately, my depression and work in general, is not something I seem to have much of, and if I do, I make poor use of it. That brought in the next card and here we have swords again, this time the two and it is telling me this is a conflict of the mind and the heart, that it's time to pause and take inventory and find a way through the struggle (the storm moon again). The Two of Swords is absolutely true though, this is a struggle of the mind and the heart, because I know with all my heart I want to let the divine in, I've always wanted some powerhouse at my back, someone or something to turn to when I need guidance or feel lost. I often feel alone in this world and my spirit, my soul, it always tends to feel like something is missing. 

    The King of Coins is all about ordered stability, he's not about taking risks or going with innovations, he's old fashioned and lets common sense rule the day. However, he is the kind that if he puts his mind to something he is a powerful ally and whatever he puts his mind to will grow and flourish.  I'm pretty sure he's saying that now might not be the time to take that innovative risk, while the Christmas moon, the last card I pulled, is saying that while things are coming to an end, something beautiful is beginning, that these are precious minutes... 

    I'm tempted to say long story short, but we're past that, I'm past that. Overall, I don't think this is the time for deity work, that I'm still in the process of healing, healing myself. I won't say that was this past years theme, because I didn't realize that's what I was doing until late in the year. I'm constantly being reminded of things from the past that completely throw me off, like a jouster being knocked of their horse and being splintered and bruised and broken, and that's just daily, that's not the anger or jealously that's built up of late, or not having the right kind of people to talk to about any of it. 

    I'm not sure how to end this on a positive note, but I guess knowing I have to keep fighting, keep healing isn't necessarily a bad thing either.

(credit to the artist)