I had no idea how hard it was to come up with five positive things about myself. I say this because an ask came through on Tumblr to do such a thing, and while I have three things down, I'm stumped on four and five. It's rather depressing, but at the same time, I know I need to work on 'me' that much more. This piece, this was supposed to be me kind of venting I suppose, about finding inspiration to write in the oddest places, maybe not so off, but just as moving as say the sun peaking through the clouds. I hate when I know I sounds so full of myself, that I'm the last person who should write about anything inspiring or sounding like I might be giving advice, but this ins't that (I don't think) and this really isn't for anyone but myself (even if putting it on the internet makes it for the world).
It hasn't just been this week that I've felt so off, so... so something I don't really have words for, but it is definitely this week the depression has hit so incredibly hard again, and that anger that has come with it, at the world and at myself, it's almost unbearable and I've been on the verge of tears for days now and I still cannot begin to comprehend a thing.
Work takes a lot out of me, but it's a job, it pays the bills and I'm close to home. One day I hope to do better, but there are things I have to do first. It's a really big stair case and I might as well be rock wall climbing just to get to the next step. That doesn't mean I'm not doing it, it just means things get a lot harder here and there and sometimes I don't know how to deal and or get passed them; Which I guess is the whole reason to this post.
I'm still working on the other two answers I need while I write this post too...
You know, for the longest, I was doing pretty well keeping up on my tarot, and if I wasn't posting about it, I at least had it for myself, I'd pull a card or cards, drag it around with me. Even if I didn't have a chance to interpret the meaning, I had the image, I had the initial reaction and the way it made me feel overall. Sometimes, I could come home and look more into it, sometimes i would completely forget. This past week, I may have pulled a card once. I did actually. Just one. It was a werewolf reminding me to embrace my wild side, and let me tell you, I feel more like a sloth needing to hibernate because they've never seen nor been anywhere near the cold and snow. Whether or not this is a proper comparison, I don't really know, but that's what I've got. The whole point to any of this I suppose is the fact that I haven't done anything, I can't even motivate myself. I hate the next day before it even begins and my cards just sit on my shelves.
It must sound silly, that I put so much stock into my cards, that I feel guilty leaving them and not looking to them for guidance when the past year, starting in April, it was all I did, it was how I pulled through after leaving the man I was with and moving back in with my family, with my dad after six years of not speaking to him, of kicking him out of my life, after letting a whole side of my family disappear and let myself fall into the shadows and have regret to live with now. Now, I'm rambling, point is, I had all these things to come back from, finally felt like I was getting somewhere and then I had a week like this, and everything is so unclear again.
When I started writing this, there was supposed to be more of a flow, but I guess when you have to ramble you have do what you have to do.
So, the whole drive to write any of this came from reading a post about a person reflecting on their livejournal days and how far they've come now as far as writing, and the online friends they've made, lost touch and managed to reconnect with one. It was one of those things that make you stop and 'aww' and while I don't exactly have experiences like that, there are things I can relate too.
Here's to the little things, to trying to push forward, to venting and not caring who is listening because it's more toxic keeping it in. Here's to trying again.
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