Bold Curiosity

  Or, a Shattered Heart? Those were the two ideas (if you want to call them them that) that I had for a title, and in this occasion, my latest blog post.

    I don't know what it is, or why, that I tend to throw myself into something so heavily, just to abruptly stop. This goes not just for my Tarot cards, but for writing and painting as well.

     Painting never really was my thing I suppose, however, it had come to me at an interesting, but not very much so, point where I would spend hours screwing around with it, and now my room is littered with paint brushes and solo cups, and they too are something I haven't touched in months. Writing, perhaps, I haven't gone that long without doing, sometimes I wake up and I have to get out a dream, or I'll be in the shower and have this crazy thought... Reading tarot cards though, I date everything, at least I try to and I'm pretty sure nothing happened since the beginning of February, thus, the reason I'm writing this post now.

     I'd gotten to the point where I didn't even want to be a witch anymore and was debating selling off things like my crystals and cards (I'm sure the extra money would have helped out somewhere). At the same time though, I knew it belonged. I knew it would feel empty and as much as I'm not some sort of witch, I am.

     When I was a kid I always thought I'd be some sort of secret Necromancer, protecting the dead, and helping others cross over. I don't think being a witch is so far off.

     A shattered heart, the three of swords, a card that seems to scare the hell out of people whenever they pull it... I pulled it and it didn't even register it was that card until I looked it up, and while it is very much appropriate in the set of cards I pulled, I believe it is referring to the triggering events that have led up until now. To the point that I need my cards and their guidance, that I need to write, and unleash bits of my soul (what I believe remains of it) once more.

     While it's not the prettiest picture, it's my first pull in awhile. Pulled Monday night after debating it at work, after debating if I should start writing my blog again, so here we are, cards and writing and a new post for the blog.

     These last few months have been hard, and while it's still early in the year, things are moving quickly, even if my battle with depression doesn't want it to be so. Things have been rocky at home, work is rough and the scares dad has given alone have been enough to make me go crazy. One would think I'd have all kinds of reasons to write then, but picking up a pen and putting it to paper apparently requires quite a bit of motivation as well.

     Between the Six of Coins and The Devil, I cannot help but think, for now, that I can keep the darkness at bay. Well, the darkness that keeps me down, not the kind I look too (yes I believe there are different versions of 'the darkness'). Darkness that I embrace. People see themselves as light workers, but again, referring back to that bit about being a necromancer, I think some of us thrive better from said darkness. 

    Sometimes I think the monsters under my bed would make better friends anyways.

    I'm not really sure how to wrap all this up with a nice bow, I don't think it really needs to be. Yes, it's a bit of a mess, and yes, I'm quite scatterbrained but I have to start, well restart somewhere, and eventually, perhaps, pieces will start falling back nicely into place, and if they don't, they don't. At some point I do have to stop trying to impress everyone, and it will not be the first or the last time I've been described as an organized mess. One can always keep up with all the latest tarot readings via my Instagram.

The Middle and the Poor Class

    While it may sound like the title to some heated debate, I promise I'm not going there. It is more like I'm trying to figure it out for myself, or I'm just mad because I work a dead-end job, have skills that won't be of use anywhere else, and would much rather be writing from home, or at least doing something a little less tedious and a lot more soul-moving if that makes any sense.

    I'm sure the last thing anyone wants to hear is someone who can't get anywhere complain, which yes, is sort of what I'm doing, but I'm trying to fix it too. I have no problem owning up to my own mistakes, my own faults, and while it isn't the easiest trying to do something about it, I'm not completely discouraged.

    It was a post on Twitter that has me writing this, even if it is later useless. It was a post for a job to write for an online community with things that deal with pop culture. Some of the requirements that it wanted were already have a large follower base across multiple social media platforms, and the time to write three to five articles a week. Talk about time being a faster killer than usual... The not so funny thing is that I'm writing this as I count down the seconds until i have to get ready and leave for work.

     Please don't get me wrong though, the fact i even have a job means more than anything. I might complain, I  might hate it a lot of the time, but it DOES pay the bills, it lets me purchase things on my own no one in their right mind would buy for me (eighty crystals, and twenty more Funko Pops please), and when I have some extra I can help out other people as well. They say you the more money you have the more greedy you become, at least, that's what it seems like, and sure there are people who donate a good portion of it, but lets me real, how many are doing it for tax write offs? 

    Okay, enough of that, I said I wasn't going to get into it. 

    Anyways, it's just one of those things where I'd like to believe I'd try to do good by others. 

    The whole point to this is that I am only twenty five and I've watched the world change so much. I know the kinds of responses people think towards this... yes, I know I haven't seen war, or fought for the right to vote, or was held against my will because my race is full of assholes... But I've seen gas shoot up so high that minimum wage barely covered it, I learned how to live from paycheck to paycheck because that's what my parents did, what they do. No one knew how to help me get into college because no one had ever been there themselves, and when I finally made it in, I didn't know anyone to have and sort of 'IN' to land myself a job, even when I was promised work-study benefits. Should I have tried harder? Probably. Was I eighteen and clueless. Hell yes.

     Even now, my last few jobs I had were attained with the help of someone I knew that already worked there. Resumes are words on paper, those tests you take after you fill out an application, they are fake, terrible representations of you. I cannot tell you the anxiety I get when I have to take a test, let alone to give someone what they want to hear and have the test come back with something along the lines of 'you should not hire this person, ever. Do not even consider them.' 

    So yes, while I greatly dislike my job, and it pays the bills, it's also the hardest thing to find another, because stress, anxiety, depression, they're killers too, and right now, I just work my ass off in the hopes of raises and being able to afford to go back to school. There's a reason I don't live on my own anymore, perhaps a few of them and I'm sure they're not hard to figure out. I also know I'm not the only one in such a situation, that there are lots of us out there, and plenty of us worse off. I have so much love and respect for those who fight, who keep going; For those who do have it together and are making it, making something of themselves, and while I'm sure I probably don't have much right to write about any of this, I too am going to keep fighting, and firmly believe that none of us are alone, and we all need one another.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

"All That is Gold Does Not Glitter"
J. R. R. Tolkien

Not in the Cards

    Some days I pull one card from my tarot deck(s), some days I pull multiples just because I feel the tug too, then occasionally I become bold, light incense or candles, throw on some meditative themed music and go to town. On top of everything that has been going on this week (we're only two days in...) and last week, I've done such a thing; I found, and or made the time to sit down with my cards to see if I was ready to, I don't know, walk with my deities. 

    This has been an on going fancy of mine, and I suppose for most practicing witches, we all want to make altars to someone, to represent them, call on them for aid and guidance, in those dark places when we're alone or want that extra kick to our spells. I'm the last person who should be talking about spell work, but I do feel I can talk a little about my journey thus far. Besides, keeping track of the lot of this is really for me anyways (though of course i'm always going to hope it appeals to someone else). 

    So yes, this past week that lead into Monday is where I'm at now, trying to figure out of deities work is right for me, or if I'm even ready for them. Well, leave it the cards to tell you what they think you need to know, not what you want to hear, which I kinda wish was the case this time. While I've gathered it's a, you're not ready yet kind of answer, I know they cannot be far, not with the dream that cause me to pull the cards in the first place. 

    

    The picture above is what my bed wound up looking liked Monday morning, tarot, oracles, incense and crystals abound. It had started out as a three card draw. One from each of the three decks I've been working with lately. Two of them were created by lovely Instagram users mysticmoons_tarot and her lovely moon_phases_oracle along with thymewitch and her tarotinthyme oracle. There's something about the love and energy that goes into these, something so different then picking up a deck in the store, and while I don't want to get too involved at the moment, I've had the privilege of following them and their journeys through creating them and I think that's where a lot of the magic is to begin with. More and more I find myself wanting to create my own. 

    

    It's not the clearest picture as the lighting in my room is terrible, it was still something I needed, to catch the moment and to keep to journal about later, plus, now I get to employ it in this blog. Anyways, the first three cards I pulled were the Seven of Swords, Time and the Storm Moon.  I think me and swords have a love hate relationship, and while I feel like a lot of people might, they pop up a lot for me, and the Five of Swords is pretty much my signifier card.

    This is already getting to be long winded and I don't know if anyone really wants all the meanings of the cards, so here's the gist... The seven is like the anti-hero, where you might be the bad guy, but your reasons, your end game, might be for the greater good. Like stealing bread so you don't starve, so someone else doesn't starve, etc. Time is exactly what it sounds like, do I have the time to invest in my current journey, because if I don't I probably shouldn't start as this period could be exhausting, though if I do, if i continue and fight, the moon will always shine through the storm and I could emerge as something more. 

    Time, with my current moods lately, my depression and work in general, is not something I seem to have much of, and if I do, I make poor use of it. That brought in the next card and here we have swords again, this time the two and it is telling me this is a conflict of the mind and the heart, that it's time to pause and take inventory and find a way through the struggle (the storm moon again). The Two of Swords is absolutely true though, this is a struggle of the mind and the heart, because I know with all my heart I want to let the divine in, I've always wanted some powerhouse at my back, someone or something to turn to when I need guidance or feel lost. I often feel alone in this world and my spirit, my soul, it always tends to feel like something is missing. 

    The King of Coins is all about ordered stability, he's not about taking risks or going with innovations, he's old fashioned and lets common sense rule the day. However, he is the kind that if he puts his mind to something he is a powerful ally and whatever he puts his mind to will grow and flourish.  I'm pretty sure he's saying that now might not be the time to take that innovative risk, while the Christmas moon, the last card I pulled, is saying that while things are coming to an end, something beautiful is beginning, that these are precious minutes... 

    I'm tempted to say long story short, but we're past that, I'm past that. Overall, I don't think this is the time for deity work, that I'm still in the process of healing, healing myself. I won't say that was this past years theme, because I didn't realize that's what I was doing until late in the year. I'm constantly being reminded of things from the past that completely throw me off, like a jouster being knocked of their horse and being splintered and bruised and broken, and that's just daily, that's not the anger or jealously that's built up of late, or not having the right kind of people to talk to about any of it. 

    I'm not sure how to end this on a positive note, but I guess knowing I have to keep fighting, keep healing isn't necessarily a bad thing either.

(credit to the artist)

It's Just One of Those Days

    I had no idea how hard it was to come up with five positive things about myself. I say this because an ask came through on Tumblr to do such a thing, and while I have three things down, I'm stumped on four and five. It's rather depressing, but at the same time, I know I need to work on 'me' that much more. This piece, this was supposed to be me kind of venting I suppose, about finding inspiration to write in the oddest places, maybe not so off, but just as moving as say the sun peaking through the clouds. I hate when I know I sounds so full of myself, that I'm the last person who should write about anything inspiring or sounding like I might be giving advice, but this ins't that (I don't think) and this really isn't for anyone but myself (even if putting it on the internet makes it for the world).

    It hasn't just been this week that I've felt so off, so... so something I don't really have words for, but it is definitely this week the depression has hit so incredibly hard again, and that anger that has come with it, at the world and at myself, it's almost unbearable and I've been on the verge of tears for days now and I still cannot begin to comprehend a thing. 

    Work takes a lot out of me, but it's a job, it pays the bills and I'm close to home.  One day I hope to do better, but there are things I have to do first. It's a really big stair case and I might as well be rock wall climbing just to get to the next step. That doesn't mean I'm not doing it, it just means things get a lot harder here and there and sometimes I don't know how to deal and or get passed them; Which I guess is the whole reason to this post.

    I'm still working on the other two answers I need while I write this post too...

    You know, for the longest, I was doing pretty well keeping up on my tarot, and if I wasn't posting about it, I at least had it for myself, I'd pull a card or cards, drag it around with me. Even if I didn't have a chance to interpret the meaning, I had the image, I had the initial reaction and the way it made me feel overall. Sometimes, I could come home and look more into it, sometimes i would completely forget. This past week, I may have pulled a card once. I did actually. Just one. It was a werewolf reminding me to embrace my wild side, and let me tell you, I feel more like a sloth needing to hibernate because they've never seen nor been anywhere near the cold and snow. Whether or not this is a proper comparison, I don't really know, but that's what I've got. The whole point to any of this I suppose is the fact that I haven't done anything, I can't even motivate myself. I hate the next day before it even begins and my cards just sit on my shelves. 

    It must sound silly, that I put so much stock into my cards, that I feel guilty leaving them and not looking to them for guidance when the past year, starting in April, it was all I did, it was how I pulled through after leaving the man I was with and moving back in with my family, with my dad after six years of not speaking to him, of kicking him out of my life, after letting a whole side of my family disappear and let myself fall into the shadows and have regret to live with now. Now, I'm rambling, point is, I had all these things to come back from, finally felt like I was getting somewhere and then I had a week like this, and everything is so unclear again. 

    When I started writing this, there was supposed to be more of a flow, but I guess when you have to ramble you have do what you have to do. 

    So, the whole drive to write any of this came from reading a post about a person reflecting on their livejournal days and how far they've come now as far as writing, and the online friends they've made, lost touch and managed to reconnect with one. It was one of those things that make you stop and 'aww' and while I don't exactly have experiences like that, there are things I can relate too. 

     Here's to the little things, to trying to push forward, to venting and not caring who is listening because it's more toxic keeping it in. Here's to trying again.